Spring Break?
by CarsmeCarlislexEsme
Summary: An RV? What in the hell was Carlisle Cullen thinking when he thought of this trip. Pranks, pranks and more pranks are bound to happen with the Cullen children. Will Carlisle get his family bonding or will it be a disaster. All Human.
1. Vacation From Hell

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**A/n: This story is dedicated to my friend Lizzie. She really came up with the basic structure of comedy while I wrote around it. So this is for you Lizzie!!!**

Edward's POV

It was spring break and my brothers, sisters and I were so excited. Dad had planned a whole trip for us and wouldn't tell us what we're doing. However, we did see a hotel in Coast Rica pulled up on his laptop. We were beyond excited. Dad also said Bella could come which was an extra bonus in my opinion.

Today is the first day of spring break. Bella slept over last night and mom made a special break feast this morning. It was delicious.

"Where's dad" Emmett asked.

"He's getting ready for the trip." Mom smiled

My siblings and I all looked at each other with smiles on our faces. We didn't want to lead on that we knew where we were going. Just ten the phone rang.

"Hello, Cullen residence Esme speaking" my mother answered the phone. "Alright I'll tell them…..Ok bye honey….see you in a little bit….love you too bye, bye. That was your father children he wants you to get your bags downstairs and ready to go."

As quickly as possible we grabbed our suitcases and ran down the stairs.

"Coast Rica here I come" Rose screamed

"I can't wait to do all the shopping" Alice giggled

"No school, no homework, It's naptime for me." Emmett laughed "I can picture it now, me lying in a hammock asleep."

"The history is supposed to be amazing there." Jasper told me. I smiled. Jasper and I always had a fun time with historical stuff.

"Maybe I'll get a tan." Bella giggled. Soon we all joined in the laughter.

However, our laughter was interrupted by a loud honking noise. We ran outside to see a huge RV parked in front of our house.

"Hi Kids." My Dad yelled from the monstrosity of a vehicle. Soon he climbed out as the family stepped forward.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"It's beautiful Carlisle!" my mother shrieked as she wrapped her arms around him

"What happened to Coast Rica" Rosalie asked.

"Coast Rica?" Esme tilted her head "We were never going to Coast Rica….your father had this planned the whole time."

"Then why did we see hotel registration for a hotel in Coast Rica pulled up on your laptop." Alice threw out. Esme looked at Carlisle with a puzzled face.

"Well," He began. "If you must know, those were hotel registrations for this summer. Your mother and I are going on a little get away. It was going to be a surprise, but that's ruined now."

"We're going to Coast Rica this summer!!!" my mother kissed him again.

"Sorry to be rude dad" Emmett questioned "What possessed you to get an RV?"

"Well, Emmett I thought it would be a great family bonding experience." My father smiled proudly.

"So get your stuff kids it time to leave" my mother shouted.

We gathered our stuff slowly and walked at a slugs pace back to the retched RV. Mom and dad were all ready inside when we entered. It was actually a pretty nice RV.

"Grab a bunk." Dad yelled "bed in the back is ours so it's off limits.

Jasper took the middle bunk next to Alice….well across from Alice. Emmett immediately hopped on the top bunk above Jasper. He was so big it sunk down….just Jasper's luck. Rose slept across from Emmett. Bella and I took the two bottom bunks. Then we moved out in o the living area.

"Ready to go" my mom asked. We all groaned.

"Wait!" my dad yelled. "I forgot something." Just then he whipped out a captains hat and placed it on his head. "New rule….You must call me Captain Carlisle…..I need a first mate….Esme."

"No way Carlisle…I'm not wearing a hat." My mother refused

"Please" He pouted "You would be the cutest sailor ever."

"Fine." My mother took the hat and placed it on her head

"Alright now I need a skipper" he looked back at us "Come on….anyone…..please…..fine I'll pick…..Edward….you are my Skipper"

"Ha-ha" Emmett laughed.

Then he put the stupid hat on me. I felt like a five year old getting ready to take a picture.

"Where are we going, Carlisle." Bella asked

"Wherever the road takes us." My father replied as he put on his white Ray Ban Wayfarer.

Then we took off on the crappiest vacation ever. What was my father thinking? An RV for crying out loud. All I knew was that this spelled out trouble with a capital T.


	2. COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE

Rosalie's POV

We were drove a few more hours in the damn R.V. I'm so angry. All I wanted to do was go to Coast Rica and tan on the beach, but no. I have to sit in a stuffy R.V. and "Family Bond" I was going insane. I didn't have any coffee this morning ad I was not about to drink that black shit at the R.V. stop. I need some Starbucks.

"Dad…..Dad…..Dad……DAD" I yelled. Oh dear god was he seriously going to make me call him by his "title"….. Dad…..Dad…….Captain Carlisle!!!!" I finally blurted out.

"Yes Rosalie" he responded with a smug smile…..he actually made me call him the damn captain.

"Can we stop by a Starbucks….I need a some high quality coffee really bad."

"Uhhh… Well rose that is going to be a problem."

"Why is that going to be a problem?"

"Well, Rose We are in the Middle of Nowhere."

"So"

"There are no Starbucks For miles."

"So"

"So you can't get your coffee"

"COME ON THERE HAS TO BE AT LEAST SOMWHERE"

"No Rose NO Starbucks"

"Well, Find one then" I responded

"I'm not going to find one for you."

" Why Not"

"Because I said so"

"You know what dad"

"What Rose"

"You suck Shit and this is the fucking worst family Vacation ever and you can kiss my ass you little bitch."

Then the man I called my father looked out the window. "Oh look Rose you were right there is a Starbucks." He smile.

"STOP STOP STOP PLEASE STOP" I demanded

"NOPE" he smiled that same smug smile again.

"Why?" I asked

"Well," he began "You should have thought twice before you called me a bitch"

I was stunned. I now I dub this vacation the suckiest vacation ever in the history of vacations. I then looked out the window and watched as we passed by my beautiful Starbucks. I officially hate my father….but then again he does control the money and is a softy sooo…

"I'm really sorry daddy… I mean Capitan Carlisle."

"Well, thank you for the apology Rose"

"Your Welcome. Now can we please stop by a Starbucks."

"We'll see"

YES…..SUCCESS!!!!!


	3. The Things you Love More than ME

Esme's POV

Carlisle had been on his Black Berry the whole entire trip. He was the one who wanted to family bond. However, the only thing he was bonding with was that damn phone.

"Hey Carlisle." I smiled

"Yes dear" he said as he didn't even look up from the black berry.

"Can I see your phone?"

"Yes sure" he handed over his precious blackberry and then I thought of the best idea. I was just going to confiscate it, but then oh I did something horrible. I threw his phone out the window. He looked at me with a look of pure shock on his face.

"Woman, did you just throw my blackberry out the window."

"Oh don't you woman me" I yell "Don't you put me down."

"Well, sorry" he began "but you still threw my phone out the window"

"You were the one who wanted to bond on this family trip but you haven't bonded with anyone. You are always at work and you still bring it on the road with you!"

"Well, they still love me!"

"Doubt it, you're never home."

"Oh like you are mother of the year!" he fired back

"I'm not but at least I know how to care cook and provide for them"

"I can do all of that"

"Oh really, since when can you cook"

"I can cook!!!"

"Oh really Carlisle you can cook, what can you cook?"

"POPCORN"

"OH WOW, that's so hard"

"It is you have to multiply the weight by the carnal to pop ratio…"

"There's a button on the microwave" I interrupted

"What?"

"Carlisle, there is a button on the microwave that says popcorn."

"REALLY!"…. wow the man who can perform brain surgery can't make popcorn.

"Yes," I responded "that is the reason the children would come with me."

"Well I could always buy them food"

"Oh ya that's healthy."

"Well, why don't we just asked them" he yelled.

"FINE WE WILL"

Carlisle and I turned back to our family. They had heard our whole fight....well no duh were in a damn R.V.

I'd go with mom because I love her" Emmett stated'

"Same" Edward began" She didn't make me wear this gay hat"

"I would go with dad because that's where I get a healthy allowance and Starbucks" Rosalie responded

"Ya I need shopping money" Alice confessed.

"Bella, you're tie breaker" Emmett yelled.

"NO, Bella's not our daughter" I yelled back

"Right…."

"Just then Jasper walked in to the commotion. He was the real tie breaker.

"Jasper" I yelled "Who would you go with"

"Uhhh…well…..ummmmm…."

"Spit it out boy!" Carlisle screamed

"I'd live on my own!"

"Pick a parent" I yelled

"Uhhh…. I love you mom but, I'd pick dad because Alice is going with him."

"Oh that's fine I see you point" I replied kindly. Jasper loved Alice more than anything.

"HA I won" Carlisle screamed while mocking me like a child.

"Ya, but I still threw you blackberry out the window."

"Well, that's why I carry a second one." He pulled out another blackberry.

I held out my hand and in the most strict and maternal tone I commanded him to hand it over. "Carlisle Cullen gives me that blackberry"

"No" He screamed. I tried to grab it from him but I failed

Carlisle's POV

I was trying to be smart so I shoved the phone down my pants. She glared at me then that glare became a look of disbelief on her face. I smiled victoriously, and then she laughed.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I'm not afraid; I've been down there before." I was shocked by her comment, so were the children. It was just so un-Esme like.

"We are in a moving vehicle." I screamed.

"Like that's stopped us before."

"Whoa" Emmett yelled" How did you drive and ya know…do it at the same time, for that is sheer talent daddy."

"I never said we were driving" Esme smiled

"Who was?" Alice asked

"Cab driver, New York City… Newly weds" I explained

"Cool" Emmett was amazed like…like we had never had sex before.

Then the R.V. went silent. It was quite awkward. I didn't know if it was because of the phone/pants incident or the "Your mother and I had sex in a cab thing." However, all I knew was Esme was angry with me.

"Esme" I sighed "why did you throw my blackberry out the window"

"Because, Carlisle you are never home and then you take us on this family vacation to bond and everyone else is bonding….everyone except for us." She sounded as if she were going to cry.

"Esme" I reached my hand out to grab hers, but she pulled it away and turned her body away from me to look out the window. And then…then I heard it the quiet sobs.

'Great job Dad, you made mom cry again" Emmett boomed.

"Again?" I asked

"Yes again mom cries every night 'cause your not home."

"You cry?"

"Yes, I cry what's it to you?" You never seemed to care before."

"Esme" I whispered

"No it's fine; I'm going back to the bedroom."

"Esme, its 4:30 pm"

"I really don't care" then she left

We drove until it was 9:00 pm with out stopping. We parked some where in Olympia, Washington. It was true everyone was bonding except for me. Esme was in the back the whole ride and I knew better than to stop her. Sometimes we both needed our space. However, now the kids were in bed and I was not about to sleep alone. I entered the small bedroom in the R.V. Only to see my wife was still up reading book. I took off my pants and my button down shirt, leaving me in my boxers and undershirt. I then slipped on my night cap and flopped on the bed right next to her.

"I'm sorry" I said

"It's alright" she responded "but I do want you to read this….in front of the children"

"Esme, the children are asleep."

"Then I shall wake them up… KIDS" she screamed. Soon all of our sleepy teenagers filed in to the already cramped bed room.

"Yes Mom" Alice replied sleepily.

"I would like for you all to hear the list I compiled, your father is going to read out loud she announced.

"Alright" I began "The things I love more than my Wife….Esme this is insane" she glared at me……

My work blackberry

My social blackberry

Brick Breaker on my Blackberry

My Pager

My Laptop

My Kaki Pants

My Office

My swivel chair

The hospital

Patients

WORK!!!

Giving Surgery

This Damn R.V.

My Stupid Captain Hat

The Candy Stripers at the hospital that I'm sleeping with….wait what? I am no sleeping with any Candy Stripers."

"Don't believe him mom, he's denying it that means it's True" Emmett shouted.

"Esme, I promise I would never cheat on you… You are the only Candy Striper in my eyes." I gently tugged at strap of her nightgown and trailed my finger down her arm.

She snapped her strap back up on to her shoulder "Not this time buddy boy." Shi that normally made her laugh….She was really angry with me. She wouldn't even look at me.

"Esme, please, please forgive me." I begged. I just couldn't handle her being mad at me any longer. I cupped her cheek in my hand and rubbed my thumb up and down her jaw line. "Please" I asked again.

Her face softened back to her normal relaxed state. She put her hand atop of mine. "Alright, I for give you." she smiled.

"Thank you" I breathed "and you know what, come with me." I grabbed her hand and ran to the front of the R.V. and I threw my blackberry out the window. It broke in to tiny pieces.

"I did that for you….For us."

"Thank you" she said as she laid her head on my chest, arms draped around me.

"Now, love go back to bed I'll be in shortly."

"Alright She responded." Then she left. My children all looked at me

"You just touched her cheek and she forgave you." Edward said

"Yep, I've got the magic touch" I snapped my fingers. As I walked back to the bed room I heard Emmett say "I must learn this magic touch…..I wonder if you can find instructions on Google?"

**A/N: Carlisle In boxers….and The Google part….My friend Carrie's Ideas… I love both of those ideas…especially Carlisle in boxers 8P`.**


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